I am not gonna waste your time by writing take me back, or that you made a terrible mistake by leaving me. They were your choices and I want you to be happy. Yah I still do.
So let’s start then, why I didn’t utter a single word when you broke up with me.
My mama (uncle) used to beat me up till I was 15, while my mami used to witness the scene with a smile on her lips. Mom left me on their footsteps outside the door when I was only 8 months, and my drunk father never came back for me.
I don’t know why they abandoned me but mami says I was a worthless wretched girl who caused their parents to break up. Papa wanted a son, but instead got a daughter so he used to beat up mom, and one day she left papa while he was passed out from heavy drinking, took me with her and dropped to her brother’s door.
I was so small, I don’t remember any of this, but mami repeats this every time when mama used to beat me. Her words were seared in my mind by the time I was 15, forever.
Daman, I know I lied about the bruise marks on my back. They were not hickey from other boys, they were not the marks of love, they were the tattoos of abuse.
You remember the night you tried to kiss me for the first time, how I winced and backed away? It was not because I didn’t want to, it was something else. I love you so much Daman, but you never broke the layers of this girl who was abused for so long that she lost a part of herself to the unknown. You never tried to know the actual me. You never asked me about the bruises on my body, you just assumed that I was a wild party girl who gets around a lot.
I once heard you when you called me a slut in front of your friends. You thought I wasn’t paying attention but ya I did. I heard everything, how you wanted to fuck me, how I was the hot girl of that year in college and so on. Even after hearing so much filth about me, I forgave you in my heart, as I loved you but now the mirage is broken.
I remember the night of our college fest, how we were dancing, matching our steps to the beats perfectly. You were grinding against me in public and I couldn’t stop you from doing so. You wanted me in every possible way a guy can want, but I wasn’t ready. Even when I told you to stay away from me, you slapped me and kept on hurting me. How was that any different from the trauma that I endured during my teen years? You were supposed to my partner, a person who will heal me. But instead, you turned out just like others. I was so disappointed, not in you, but upon myself.
I knew why you broke up with me, and I am so glad you did. You finally understood what I am not willing to give up, and you left me for that. Even though you demanded another chance, I wouldn’t give you one.
You were my first heartbreak, but probably you won’t be the last, now that I know what I want.
Thank you for reminding me, whatever happens, happens for a reason, it’s up to us where we go from there.
P.S. – I will love you always, but I chose to walk out. Next time, I wouldn’t have to.
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