HOW ARE YOU TODAY?

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Me: This is a great morning. I better make the best of my day.
Paranoia: You’re probably going to get hit by a truck while crossing the road today.
Me: I have a test tomorrow. I better prepare well for it.
Paranoia: You won’t be able to give a test after getting hit by a truck.
Me: Wow, this breakfast looks delicious!
Paranoia: How long has it been kept open for? You took too long combing your hair and now it has bacteria all over it and as you eat it, all of them are going to have a big party in your stomach.
Me: (I stop walking, the man walks ahead of me. Nothing happens, I take a deep breath). I tell paranoia: You should stop talking now, nothing you ever say happens. You just shout in my ears leading me nowhere.
Paranoia: Yeah, today is the day when that changes.
I walk into my class and the so-called classmates’ bag falls down and she wasn’t there so I pick it up and put it back in place.
Paranoia: What if something was stolen from her bag before and now that you picked it up she notices after coming back that something is missing and then other people tell her that you’re the one to blame?
I get really angry now, “NOTHING LIKE THAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN. STOP MAKING ME NERVOUS. YOU GIVE ME ANXIETY.”

Paranoia: Anxiety? You said anxiety is here? She is my best friend.
And then I notice my own best friend, she comes to me and hugs me.
We start talking. She tells me she was concerned about me when yesterday I stopped responding to her after I said I was feeling suicidal.
Paranoia: Nobody is that nice. What if someone is paying her to be your friend? Someone who wants all your dark secrets? What is she told someone that you’re suicidal?
I repel from her saying, “I’ll be back.”
I go to the washroom and stare at the mirror trying not to cry.
Me: (to paranoia) why don’t you leave me alone? And I don’t have any dark secrets!
Paranoia: I will leave you alone but then who’ll caution you about the spy cameras someone installed here.
“I don’t care!” I say.
On my way back I meet the guy I am dating.
Him: Hey, how about we meet this weekend. I have this place I want to show you.
Me: That sounds…
Paranoia: What if he is planning to ship you off somewhere in a box?
Me: … good.
Him: Do you trust me?
Paranoia: He asking that you trust him is a sign that you should not trust him.
Me: I’ll catch up with you later.
Him: Are you okay?
Me: Yeah.
I force a smile and leave.
Paranoia: Maybe he is a con artist?

When I am at a place I don’t want to be, my head swims through an ocean of thoughts, except it doesn’t know how to swim so it jumps from one plank to another and… sometimes? Sometimes it falls into the sea. Drowning. Shouting for help, unheard! Not able to breathe.
So I am sitting through the lecture now.
Paranoia: Maybe someone can read minds in this class? Maybe your thoughts are not your own after all.
I ignore it.
a few minutes later ***
Paranoia: Maybe you’re sweating too much? Maybe you’re bothering the people around you? Maybe you’re breathing heavy?
Soon the class ends.
I see puppies. I pet them. I go home.
Paranoia: Wash your hands, you petted street dogs.
I wash my hands.
Paranoia: Wash your hands again. The germs don’t go away in one go.
I wash my hands again.
Paranoia: Wash them again just to be sure.
I wash my hands again.
It was a tiring day. I sit next to my mom.***

Me: Mom, I don’t feel okay.
Mom: Did you eat properly today?
Paranoia: You ate a bad breakfast today.
Me: No I mean I don’t feel alright. You know like days are passing and I am doing nothing.
Mom: I have deadlines to meet. I don’t have time for this.
Me: Yeah, okay.
Paranoia: You’re supposed to be alone forever. No one cares about you, not even your mom. You’re going to die like this.
Me: Maybe I should not live?
Paranoia: Yeah but what if you try to **** yourself and then don’t die and maybe break your bones or worse get paralyzed? And then you’ll have to live with the consequences? Everyone would know you want to **** yourself.
Me: I think you’ve got a point there. I am going to sleep now. I hope the earth swallows me whole at night and I never wake up in the morning.
Paranoia: No you’ll wake up. And we’ll start the cycle all over again.
Paranoia: And by the way, I just wanted to remind you that everyone that you’ve ever known won’t be affected by your death at all.


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6 comments on “HOW ARE YOU TODAY?”

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